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n./adj. late night rambles on love and expectations |



I like my men well-dressed and clean shaven and likewise I'll, too, be appropriately dressed, probably with my usual florals, when we go on our dinner dates. They don't have to be at somewhere fancy, but a place with enough light for me to snap away at our food/outfits/faces to commemorate the moments - because that's how we always can return to them. You probably will not see my rationale for many things including this, but still give in anyway when I tell you that we musn't touch our food till I get a proper picture to Instagram. 

I must warn you that there are other things that we may not see eye to eye on. Like how I will insist on watching a horror movie even though I'll end up closing my eyes through 3/4s of the film. But you must understand that it is through these movies where you can be the valiant knight in my fairytale and hold my hands and simply tell me there there, everything'll be okay and I'd believe you and become even more infatuated with you. Yes, I am that sort of girl. And if you were the sort of guy who liked showing his girl that he can too can be one of the lionhearted Disney princes that I grew up with, we'd be perfect for each other. 

I am afraid of many things - walking in the dark, butterflies, elevator doors, scary-looking men, etc. But I become braver when you take the effort to call me when I am walking through that dark stretch to get home, or when you send me pictures of cute koala bears/ Harry Styles so that I'd replace those tears of fear with tears of laughter. 

I take my coffee with no sugar and a ladle of milk. You will know that caffeine does no use to my level of sleepiness/wakefulness but I take it anyway because I love the smell of roasted coffee beans and the entropic reaction of the milk against the black liquid. 

You must understand my love for nature and animals. You can expect that we will take treetop walks, strolls in the Botanic Gardens, trips to the Zoo and Birdpark, and of course the S.E.A aquarium. I have been to these places more times than I can remember, and you probably will too because of me. On days where we are undecided on what to do, I will whip out my Macbook and we will watch my favourite fish documentaries and fantasise about living underwater. Perhaps you too will grow to love marine life as much as I do and can then introduce me a fish documentary you had caught the night before, which I probably will have already seen but pretend that I hadn't anyway. We'd pick out our favourite fishes and laugh at those which are funny looking, like garden eels and morays. 

On our movie nights, you will have to pick the titles most of the time because I'm usually too indecisive and I would probably like what you had picked anyway. If it was something on female k-pop bands, or football, or a guy's humour kind of show, I will give you that face of reluctance (and you'd probably say something along the lines of "then you pick something!") but still give in anyway, because of that one time where I watched an episode of "The Inbetweeners" (what I would label under guy's humour and would never watch on my own accord) and ended up wanting to finish up the whole season (which only comprised of 5 or 6 episodes). 

When we take trips together, they will be spontaneous. Though I'd probably prep an itinerary and print out all our forms, tickets, accommodation details and whatnot but find them chucked away at some obscure corner in my luggage because you'd convince me that the best plans are made on the spur-of-the-moment. It doesn't matter where we go, really. Even if there was no WiFi available. Because the WiFi that I hunt for on past vacations without you were really just so that I could have you there with me, through technology. 

There will be times when we'd get mad at each other, times of cold wars and being passive-aggressive. I'm usually not the first one to apologise, even when I'm in the wrong, because my pride prevents me from giving in. I know that actions speak louder than words, so I would meekly head over to your place and spend the night there and while you're asleep, I'd whisper an apology and hug you even tighter, because you came too close to leaving me.  

Sometimes when it's too warm I would like my own personal space on the bed, but somehow along the night my arms will make their way around you and my body pressed against yours. At 8am sharp I'd awake to find our fingers laced together and you still asleep, because you were always the owl and I was the lark. 

I am not easy to be with. And I'm certainly not perfect. I have issues with my weight and self-esteem, and I am not the most understanding. But somehow when I'm around people I love, these things go away and I become a better person. So despite all my flaws and imperfections, you can be assured that we will have many happy memories together - memories that we'll reflect on and smile at, saying Look how far we've come. And if the day comes where we have to part, we will accept that that's life and agree to leave on good terms. We may say that we'd always be friends, but we both know that time is needed to heal these wounds and it may be years before we can even talk again. Just know that you will permeate my thoughts from time to time and my heart will twinge with nostalgia of our past. Nonetheless, I am happy that you are living your life the way you've always wanted to and I hope you'll feel the same about me when you see that I've finally moved on to life's next chapter.

Love is amazing in that it is infinite with possibilities. Just because you have loved once, it doesn't mean that you can never find love again. It is also hopeful, and it is through love where you find the courage to freefall into another adventure and begin again. 




10 comments:

  1. this is really really beautiful :) it sounds like you write about a certain someone in mind. may you find someone you love and who loves you dear girl!

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    1. aww thank you :) and i wish you the same

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  2. Beautifully written :) Butterflies, hehehehehe!

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    1. thanks!! and i think only you'd understand my fear of them -shudders-

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  3. I loved what you have written, Victoria.

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  4. how do you get over a heartbreak?

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    1. i've been busy with exams recently so i didn't get to publish/reply to your comment promptly + i felt that i wouldn't do your comment justice by replying it here so i wrote a post instead: http://killercitylights.blogspot.sg/2013/11/faith.html :) feel better soon!

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  5. I wish you the best in all that you do and that you'll find happiness in your own way

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